hopefulanomaly

Auld Lang Syne, of course!

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 04:18:35 GMT

Three and a half hours left in 2009. Three and a half hours to reflect on the past year and list out all my awesome goals for 2010. Here goes:

1. Grow my hair out long. I am SICK of bangs and wispies and also must think about dyeing, there have been WAY TOO MANY "silvers" peeking thru. I am only 26 GD, its not fair! Why am I getting grays so soon? And why are they shiny gray, making them look silver? Weird. Anyway, don't cut my hair for the whole year, unless, of course, i really really need a trim, but THAT'S IT, and no new freakin bangs either!!!

2. Eat better. Give up cheese and soda? My favorite things? Maybe cut back A LOT. I could work with that.

3. Gain use of a treadmill from SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE and USE IT. Three years ago I stopped eating meat and drinking soda, and I worked out for 15-30 minutes every other day or so on a regular basis and I lost TONS OF WEIGHT. I think the not eating meat helped cut out fast food, except for Taco Bell (YUM) and the soda had to be cold turkey. But the regular exercise was great, I mean, I had time for it, I was single. Ok, so this year I MAKE TIME FOR IT.

Which leads me to...
4. Take a dance class that I like. I want to try Butler Community School's Ballet Fit class. Deep down, I just want to DANCE!

5. Get at least one A this year in school. Am I setting my sights too low? All the rest MUST be Bs so I think not.

6. Try to get a part-time job at a bookstore. (Border's is out :( but try B&N, Half-Price, and BookPeople)

7. Lose 80 lbs. I guess a more realistic goal would be to lose 50 lbs. Let's go with that. :)

8. Trim my (WOW just measured my waist) 48 INCH waist down to 32 inches. That's SIXTEEN inches to lose off my waist. OMFG :(

9. Buy AT LEAST one pair of Dansko clogs :)

10. Spend more time with my family

One more for good luck:

11. Eat more fruit and veg. Eat less cheese and soda.

12. Be happy? Like, not so bored out of my mind all the time? its worth a try and I've got all year to work on it :)

13. Floss more

14. Clean my apartment

So its a sweet good bye to a pretty great 2009, thank you for my new niece, nephew, and little brother. Thank you for my sisters and brothers who make me laugh, my mom and grandparents and uncles who I love, and my sweet boyfriend who does so much for me. Hello 2010, here I come!

Boo Sunday

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 01:44:16 GMT

So the twins were born. I didn't think I would love them as much as I do. They are beautiful and I don't think I would love them one drop more if they were my own. I wish I could see them every day and anticipate their every need so they never need to cry or failing that, answer their every cry immediately. They are so smart, they learned to use their lungs and open their eyes and cry all on the first day! Haha, just kidding. They prob are smart, tho.

Also I just poured a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper out into the sink. I'm not going to drink soda anymore. Its evil. And its going to hurt.

Love isn't jsut a feeling...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Mon, 25 May 2009 20:05:32 GMT

Today, I was washing my hands and glanced up at the top of my head and a glint of silver caught my eye. Yep, I pulled out not one, but TWO gray hairs and my 26th birthday is in about three weeks. I called my mother and cried.
I feel like I'm running out of time to create the family that I want. I want cildren of my own, and a husband and a marriage and a home. But all of these things terrify me. Only, when I saw those gray hairs, I realized time was running out and that terrified me even more. I am waiting for something. Maybe I am waiting to not be scared anymore and I don't think that is going to happen.

2009-The Year of the Greats

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Fri, 15 May 2009 03:01:58 GMT

I am glad to have somewhere I can write and send my thought to the ether privately. I am thankful for my life, I love my life. I love him. I love this song. I love dancing. I danced today, in my kitchen and it was the most fun I had all week, those three minutes were the most free and happy I felt in a long time. I told m boyfriend about it, and I felt like I was revealing an intensly private secret. I want to dance. My BFF sent me some new songs and I am so happy to have them, its like they flow in my bloodstream, and I wonder how I lived before without ever hearing it, like it is my happiness turned into music.
I wish I were brave enough to dance. Like, seriously dance.
Oh, and I am going to be an aunt! To twins! My family is so happy and excited and nervous. Poor Little Sister is already having back and stomach pains, and the babies are 1 lb and 1.2 lbs and growing quickly. She is wearing a belly band. I am so excited!! They are due in September. They will be great :)
Can't stop listening to this song. Can't wait to hold the babies. Hope Little Sister doesn't hate me. But that's a story for another time.

The rhythm is calling you...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 03:36:15 GMT

(Is that really how yo spell rhythm??) Ok, so here is my super-secret plan for world domination: exercise three times during the week, and then next semester take a ballet class. I can't sit here doing nothing anymore, I am getting super-fat and unhealthy. Wish me luck and self-control and will-power...

You take my breath away...don't leave me here this way...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 02:17:51 GMT

The strange thing is that I can feel the music in m soul and I can picture how I want to move and I can feel the movement in my body but I am so terrified...I don't. And I should. And I want to, more than anythine else in the world.
I have tons of dances in my head, tons of whole shows with costumes and everything. Where can I do these shows? Do I know what I'm doing and does anybody else even want to see the visions in my head for this music?
I always have a dancer in my head, moving to music I love.
I need to do a few things for myself. I need to exercise 3-4 times a week, I need to dance more, I need to eat better. I need to let myself be loved by him and I need to show him how much I love him. I need to stop being scared of it. And I need to study more. LOTS more. I need to be true to myself, I'm not doing myself any favors by being a lazy bum.
I do love myself but I am being too easy on myslef, I can do better than I have been and its time to buckle down. I will post more this week, to note my progress into these goals. (Hope I don't forget them!)

Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 01:27:39 GMT

I woke up in the middle of the night and I had no idea where I was. And I had no idea who I was. I was in bed next to that guy. I can't write about why I'm so sad right now. Maybe in a few days when it stops hurting.

The dice was loaded from the start...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 04:25:47 GMT

Came home from a family event and poured myself some Red Bull and Jaeger. I feel out of sorts. And kind of lonely. But I feel like singing. Weird.

I feel like I haven't been able to write like I used to.

But I'm ok. I'm nowhere near finished, but I'm ok. I wish I were cool but I like me so...what can I do about it? I make people laugh by being my goofy self, but at least they are laughing, and that can't be a bad thing, right?

Will I ever feel like I belong? Will I ever stop feeling like a fluffy, airheaded teeny-bopper? Will I ever stop writing emo-like? Will I ever be cool? Will I ever truly dance?

Its 10 o'clock on a Saturday nite and I think I may go to bed. Loser? Maybe.

I'm begging you to be my escape...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 09:00:29 GMT

This relationship business is strange. I think I'm doing it wrong. I have found that in the face of conflict, I try to flee. I am terrified that I will become the lost, sad girl again. I am terrified I will lose myself again.
I am trying to stay in that place where I am happy, that place where I can rest from fighting demons.
I don't feel like the warrior princess but I don't know if I will ever feel that way again. I am back in school at the community college, living in an apartment with my boyfriend, and taking on more responsibilities at work. But I still feel stupid and clumsy and young. And at the same time, I can feel my youth slipping away, so I'll be an immature old person? That is pathetic!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that its 3:49 in the morning, and I don't want to go back to bed bc...well, he woke me up...you know...and I guess my feelings were hurt. he said he tried to wake me up but still...I'm jsut...

I want to dance again, but I hated seeing my body in the mirror, which is my fault. I feel like a roly-poly jelly thing-hahaha, fatty. Its not funny, but I laugh about it bc its true. So sad.

I guess I should crawl back into bed but I feel..fat and stupid.
I feel good here with my music. It makes me dance inside.
I'll be ok. I'll be warrior princess ok.

Goodbye?

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 06:13:33 GMT

The most futile wish I've ever wished was that I could go back in time and do something different. No amount of wishing has ever made that wish come true, nor offered me any comfort, nor insight, nor relief. (Nor is a funy word and I'm prob using it wrong.) Despite knowing all of that, the wishes are still made in my head...
In my mind, we are forever at a table at the sandwich shop across the street from our office, eating those yummy sandwiches, bitching about work, talking about everything and nothing, laughing and being happy. The four of us are together forever in that moment and I'm holding those moments close to my bruised heart. I can still hear her laugh, and the way she said my name, and her advice in my head. She was the kind of big sister to me that I wish I could be to my own little sisters.
Its so confusing to have to say goodbye, because i can still hear her in my head. Its not real yet, i guess, so damn that first stage of grief. It doesn't feel like goodbye because for some irrational reason, my heart is telling me that I will see her again.

Now everything's technicolor...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 05:21:28 GMT

Well well well, it is me here. Had my last scheduled therapy appointment today. Now I go on a need-to basis. I feel different. My weight is a problem but I'm working on it. I've started walking at night with my BOYFRIEND. That's right, That Guy asked me on May 30th to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We were already in that place, and had been for a while so we jsut made it official. We will see what happens, if it works out great, if not...its not the end of my world. I'll know I gave it my best shot and that's all anyone can ask for.
Looking back to February, i can recall the dark hopelessness and despair i felt, but thats a distant memory. I was making other people responsible for my happiness and giving away too much of myself. I know now that I am the only one responsible for my happiness and well-being. I know now that my moods are not directly related to how other people treat me. I am happy, dealing with life as it comes, but equipped with better weapons than before. I have my family who stood by me and caught me when I fell. I have my friends who make me laugh, sometimes even when I didn't want to. I have a love I tried to fight for more than a year, a love I didn't understand. I have understanding and I have hope. I have me and I love me.

I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleedng love...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 05:52:07 GMT

So, Little Brother texted me last nite "I'm going to have a kid." Yep, that's right, sixteen year old Little Brother's fifteen year old girlfriend is pregnant. I am excited an worried and scared and happy. I feel a little crazy bc I already love this kid. Weird. So mom and her husband took it not as badly as expected. I mean, Little Brother almost expected to be thrown out of the house but I reminded him that grandmother hadn't thrown mom out when she got pregnant with me at seventeen. So we are preparing for a new little baby, who will be loved and cherished and we are al so excited to meet this little person. But Little Brother isn't a baby anymore, and he's about to wake up in the real world. I'm worried for him and her.
I don't know if I told about what happened in February, but I got in an argument with That Guy and I had been feeling down about myself and I didnt like my reactions to our arguments. I was thinking suicide and at one point, I jsut thought "I don't want to be this perpetually sad, sick girl anymore." So I told mom what I was feeling and asked for help. I voluntarily signed myself in for a mental evaluation. I slept alot the first day, felt lonely and homesick the second day, and got to go home on the third day. mom had rearranged my room and I loved it. She was great the whole time, visiting me in the hospital and taking me shopping when I got out. Dad brought me a plush Snoopy. It was one of the best things Ive ever done for myself. I felt so free to be able to say 'I'm depressed" and even more free to decide that I wanted to change. no regrets. I'm a better me now, my moods are not dependent on how That Guy talks to me. I will go into more detail later. I am hopeful that I can get back to writing the way I like writing, which is pretty ok. That Guy is plating Grand Theft Auto IV on his PS3. I'm sleepy and looking for to but nervous about my two dance classes this summer. This place is so much better to be than that dark place I spent a year in.

I keep bleeding love...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 04:41:04 GMT

There are times when I don't write and those are the times when I really can't face reality, the reality of me not liking myself. But here I am with words because I can look at myself in the mirror these days. I feel the return happening again. And this time, I'm ready for it. Its going to be great.

What did you possibly expect under this condition?

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 03:35:55 GMT

I miss him. He is pulling away and I have to let him go.
I dread the thought of living alone, of having to face my lonliness every time I walk through the door, every time I go home to an empty apartment. But since I am dreading it so much is why I have decided to face it head on and live alone for a few months, at least.
I want someone to come home to. Someone to crawl into bed with, someone to kiss goodnight, and to wake up next to. Someone to cook dinner with, someone to trust, someone to miss, someone to be my companion and partner. Please give me another chance. I want to be a better person, better than the selfish girl who made the biggest mistake of her life. I want to forgive myself and be good enough for the good people who love and care about me. I want to not be jealous or petty or mean or selfish. I have glimpsed what I am looking for and I threw it away but I know it exists, somewhere out there...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 08:44:40 GMT

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of wishing. I'm tired of me.

Hope? Despair?

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 05:20:57 GMT

My heart started hurting again, and I was crying myself to sleep. It was pathetic. I got up and took a swig of vodka. That's even more pathetic. I'm pathetic. The vodka scared me. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I think I need to see a doctor, a real doctor and get some real help. I'm tired or crying myself to sleep at nite, I'm tired of being so sad and hopeless. Nobody wants me but nobody will want me if I'm like this. I will continue to be left if I stay this pathetic girl that I am now. I am so lonely and I feel alone. I miss him so much. I wish I could rip my heart out and hide it so that I can never hurt again. Futile stupid trite wish. The vodka is sitting strangely in my stomach. I should sleep but that's all i want to do lately. I am pathetic.

Jesus Christ, I'm alone again...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 04:00:59 GMT

If there was something I could do to ensure that nobody would ever have to feel the pain of lonliness ever again, I would. I would do it. And nobody would ever have to know it was me. If it hurts all of us the same, why are we all alone and lonely?

All that I missed I see in the reflection, passed me while I wasn't paying attention...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 04:42:21 GMT

I realized two things today. The first was that even tho Guy #2 is in my life as whatever he is, pseudo-boyfriend or Fuck Buddy extraordinaire, this is the first time in six years that I am single for Christmas. I've been walking around feeling down and I had no idea why and I was wondering why I couldn't get into the Christmas spirit and I wish to God that I was better than what I am now but the Christmas lights aren't making me smile this year.
The other thing I realized was that I put him through hell for six months and I've been in payback hell for eight months this month so I am so completely and utterly free!!! I can let go. I should let go.
Can I be jsut friends with him? Can I really let go? Am I too paranoid? Why does my heart feel like its broken? Why do I feel so sad?
I want to be a whole person...again...

Don't let me live a lie before my life flies by...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 03:23:37 GMT

I'm lonely. I need and want to laugh. I feel sad.

Jesus Christ, I'm alone again...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 04:32:23 GMT

I am so stupid. I didn't want to leave Him because I didnt' want to hurt him but he didn't do the same for me. I wanted this other guy but I wouldnt consider leaving my boyfriend for him because I didnt want to hurt him, but he left me for someone else...I really messed up...I tried to stick itout because I thought it was supposed to...so I guess the lesson learned here is not to put other people's happiness in front of your own...I ignored my gut and my heart and am here in this lonely place...but something is telling me that its not completely hopeless...something in my gut is fighting against my what ifs...

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 18:24:42 GMT

Looking back on this past year, my friends have changed more than I have. One friend bought a house, one friend got engaged and one friend had a baby. I dont want to seem selfish but these are all things that I want and these friends are all my age. I can't stop the "What about me?" thoughts that flash in my head as they talk about what furniture they need for their new house, or how the wedding is all falling apart or how the baby kept her up until 2 in the am....I would gladly get married in a potato sack or lose sleep for my daughter. And I want to create a home so badly I can taste it and see it when I close my eyes...I am happy for them, I truly am but I can't help feeling like I messed up somewhere in the past and am now behind the mark...am i missing out on that stuff, will i ever get it? Will he ever want to marry me and have kids and create a home with me? I'm not saying it necessarily has to be him but will any man want that with me or am i one of those women that men dont want to marry? Maybe I'm trying to hard? Maybe I'm being impatient? Maybe I'll be alone forever? But I'm not alone right now. I want a time machine for Christmas...would I do everything the exact same?

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 03:19:15 GMT

Feeling like a loser again, unwanted and unloved, but this is by men so I guess it doesn't count, right? I mean, I know my family loves me and my friends and all that but I can't help wondering what is wrong with me, really. I honestly thing I am destined to wander the planet alone forever...I am going to end up an old maid, and my body will be found half eaten by my horde of cats...I'm so pathetic...

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this, like every inch of me is bruised...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 04:51:42 GMT

My Baby Sister was in a car accident on Friday afternoon. Their car was hit on the passenger side where she was sitting and she was pinned in and the jaws of life were used to pull her out and she has a fractured pelvis and a long scratch on her arm. I am so thankful it wasnt any more serious than it already is. If he had hit them any harder...but angels must have been there that day becasue its only a fracture, even tho the painkillers make her nauseous and she has crutches but she's such a strong girl, she'll be up and walking and dancing in no time. Every time she cries, I want to find the guy who hit their car and hurt him. Its not a pretty feeling...
But I'm feeling optimistic today. She's already doing so much better, taking back her independence as much as she can. Her phone cracked in half on impact and she's worried about her job as a carhop. Poor kid.
I cant let myself cry or be sad, I have to be positive. Today at work I broke down crying more than once but havent cried once since ive been home.
Anyway, trying to get back to that single-fun-girl place I was at before those two boys happened to my heart. Never again will I lose myself for another guy. Never again will I be seduced by anything less than first-rate. I'm worth it and my heart and love are worth it. I do miss them tho. But the lonliess is a small price to pay for the happiness I'm holding out for in the future, right?

Time square can't shine as bright as you, I swear its true...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 05:16:30 GMT

I wish I had a guy who wasn't ashamed of me, maybe who wanted everyone to know he wants me. This isn't a vanity thing, it's an I'm-tired-of-being-a-dirty-little-secret thing. I see boyfriends who plaster their mySpaces with their girlfriends shit, and Im jsut...nothing. Like, with HIM, she's all over his shit. He would never acknowledge me...I feel so lonely.

Hey hey you you...

hopeful_anomaly@yahoo.com — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 04:15:14 GMT

Birthday passed. Im 24 now. HE remembered. He texted that he hoped I didnt think he'd forgotten because he didnt. Then today, we had a long chat about my guy problems, which is jsut too weird but I felt good about it, something like moving on...It felt like he was a big brother when he offered to kick someone's ass for me and said he'd be there for me if I needed to talk, which proves we are better off as friends. Im not ready to hang with him HER yet, prob never but I dont feel desperately lonely today. I feel hopeful. He said he had a blast with me and I am a great girl and I deserve to be with whoever I want to be with...So I guess I jsut forget everyhting that happened in March? Oh gosh...I miss him. I do but its not a desperate I-wish-we-could-give-it-another-go missing, its more of a good-shot-that-didnt-work-out missing. I feel like I love him but its not the sort of love where I have to be with him, like, if he wants this other girl, then I want him to be happy. Its a big feeling, like a generous feeling. I dont know, maybe im crazy. But I do love him still, we jsut cant be together. I always will love him but it may be time to put to rest any hope of a reunion. And Im ok with that...If we could both be happy, that's all I'd want...I am on the road to letting go of the past and looking to the future with hope... ::smile::