hopefulanomaly

08:41 pm: Boo Sunday
So the twins were born. I didn't think I would love them as much as I do. They are beautiful and I don't think I would love them one drop more if they were my own. I wish I could see them every day and anticipate their every need so they never need to cry or failing that, answer their every cry immediately. They are so smart, they learned to use their lungs and open their eyes and cry all on the first day! Haha, just kidding. They prob are smart, tho.


Also I just poured a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper out into the sink. I'm not going to drink soda anymore. Its evil. And its going to hurt.

02:58 pm: Love isn't jsut a feeling...
Today, I was washing my hands and glanced up at the top of my head and a glint of silver caught my eye. Yep, I pulled out not one, but TWO gray hairs and my 26th birthday is in about three weeks. I called my mother and cried.
I feel like I'm running out of time to create the family that I want. I want cildren of my own, and a husband and a marriage and a home. But all of these things terrify me. Only, when I saw those gray hairs, I realized time was running out and that terrified me even more. I am waiting for something. Maybe I am waiting to not be scared anymore and I don't think that is going to happen.

09:22 pm: 2009-The Year of the Greats
I am glad to have somewhere I can write and send my thought to the ether privately. I am thankful for my life, I love my life. I love him. I love this song. I love dancing. I danced today, in my kitchen and it was the most fun I had all week, those three minutes were the most free and happy I felt in a long time. I told m boyfriend about it, and I felt like I was revealing an intensly private secret. I want to dance. My BFF sent me some new songs and I am so happy to have them, its like they flow in my bloodstream, and I wonder how I lived before without ever hearing it, like it is my happiness turned into music.
I wish I were brave enough to dance. Like, seriously dance.
Oh, and I am going to be an aunt! To twins! My family is so happy and excited and nervous. Poor Little Sister is already having back and stomach pains, and the babies are 1 lb and 1.2 lbs and growing quickly. She is wearing a belly band. I am so excited!! They are due in September. They will be great :)
Can't stop listening to this song. Can't wait to hold the babies. Hope Little Sister doesn't hate me. But that's a story for another time.

10:30 pm: The rhythm is calling you...
(Is that really how yo spell rhythm??) Ok, so here is my super-secret plan for world domination: exercise three times during the week, and then next semester take a ballet class. I can't sit here doing nothing anymore, I am getting super-fat and unhealthy. Wish me luck and self-control and will-power...

09:04 pm: You take my breath away...don't leave me here this way...
The strange thing is that I can feel the music in m soul and I can picture how I want to move and I can feel the movement in my body but I am so terrified...I don't. And I should. And I want to, more than anythine else in the world.
I have tons of dances in my head, tons of whole shows with costumes and everything. Where can I do these shows? Do I know what I'm doing and does anybody else even want to see the visions in my head for this music?
I always have a dancer in my head, moving to music I love.
I need to do a few things for myself. I need to exercise 3-4 times a week, I need to dance more, I need to eat better. I need to let myself be loved by him and I need to show him how much I love him. I need to stop being scared of it. And I need to study more. LOTS more. I need to be true to myself, I'm not doing myself any favors by being a lazy bum.
I do love myself but I am being too easy on myslef, I can do better than I have been and its time to buckle down. I will post more this week, to note my progress into these goals. (Hope I don't forget them!)

07:21 pm: Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start...
I woke up in the middle of the night and I had no idea where I was. And I had no idea who I was. I was in bed next to that guy. I can't write about why I'm so sad right now. Maybe in a few days when it stops hurting.

09:55 pm: The dice was loaded from the start...
Came home from a family event and poured myself some Red Bull and Jaeger. I feel out of sorts. And kind of lonely. But I feel like singing. Weird.

I feel like I haven't been able to write like I used to.

But I'm ok. I'm nowhere near finished, but I'm ok. I wish I were cool but I like me so...what can I do about it? I make people laugh by being my goofy self, but at least they are laughing, and that can't be a bad thing, right?

Will I ever feel like I belong? Will I ever stop feeling like a fluffy, airheaded teeny-bopper? Will I ever stop writing emo-like? Will I ever be cool? Will I ever truly dance?

Its 10 o'clock on a Saturday nite and I think I may go to bed. Loser? Maybe.

03:43 am: I'm begging you to be my escape...
This relationship business is strange. I think I'm doing it wrong. I have found that in the face of conflict, I try to flee. I am terrified that I will become the lost, sad girl again. I am terrified I will lose myself again.
I am trying to stay in that place where I am happy, that place where I can rest from fighting demons.
I don't feel like the warrior princess but I don't know if I will ever feel that way again. I am back in school at the community college, living in an apartment with my boyfriend, and taking on more responsibilities at work. But I still feel stupid and clumsy and young. And at the same time, I can feel my youth slipping away, so I'll be an immature old person? That is pathetic!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that its 3:49 in the morning, and I don't want to go back to bed bc...well, he woke me up...you know...and I guess my feelings were hurt. he said he tried to wake me up but still...I'm jsut...

I want to dance again, but I hated seeing my body in the mirror, which is my fault. I feel like a roly-poly jelly thing-hahaha, fatty. Its not funny, but I laugh about it bc its true. So sad.

I guess I should crawl back into bed but I feel..fat and stupid.
I feel good here with my music. It makes me dance inside.
I'll be ok. I'll be warrior princess ok.

01:11 am: Goodbye?
The most futile wish I've ever wished was that I could go back in time and do something different. No amount of wishing has ever made that wish come true, nor offered me any comfort, nor insight, nor relief. (Nor is a funy word and I'm prob using it wrong.) Despite knowing all of that, the wishes are still made in my head...
In my mind, we are forever at a table at the sandwich shop across the street from our office, eating those yummy sandwiches, bitching about work, talking about everything and nothing, laughing and being happy. The four of us are together forever in that moment and I'm holding those moments close to my bruised heart. I can still hear her laugh, and the way she said my name, and her advice in my head. She was the kind of big sister to me that I wish I could be to my own little sisters.
Its so confusing to have to say goodbye, because i can still hear her in my head. Its not real yet, i guess, so damn that first stage of grief. It doesn't feel like goodbye because for some irrational reason, my heart is telling me that I will see her again.

12:12 am: Now everything's technicolor...
Well well well, it is me here. Had my last scheduled therapy appointment today. Now I go on a need-to basis. I feel different. My weight is a problem but I'm working on it. I've started walking at night with my BOYFRIEND. That's right, That Guy asked me on May 30th to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We were already in that place, and had been for a while so we jsut made it official. We will see what happens, if it works out great, if not...its not the end of my world. I'll know I gave it my best shot and that's all anyone can ask for.
Looking back to February, i can recall the dark hopelessness and despair i felt, but thats a distant memory. I was making other people responsible for my happiness and giving away too much of myself. I know now that I am the only one responsible for my happiness and well-being. I know now that my moods are not directly related to how other people treat me. I am happy, dealing with life as it comes, but equipped with better weapons than before. I have my family who stood by me and caught me when I fell. I have my friends who make me laugh, sometimes even when I didn't want to. I have a love I tried to fight for more than a year, a love I didn't understand. I have understanding and I have hope. I have me and I love me.

12:37 am: I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleedng love...
So, Little Brother texted me last nite "I'm going to have a kid." Yep, that's right, sixteen year old Little Brother's fifteen year old girlfriend is pregnant. I am excited an worried and scared and happy. I feel a little crazy bc I already love this kid. Weird. So mom and her husband took it not as badly as expected. I mean, Little Brother almost expected to be thrown out of the house but I reminded him that grandmother hadn't thrown mom out when she got pregnant with me at seventeen. So we are preparing for a new little baby, who will be loved and cherished and we are al so excited to meet this little person. But Little Brother isn't a baby anymore, and he's about to wake up in the real world. I'm worried for him and her.
I don't know if I told about what happened in February, but I got in an argument with That Guy and I had been feeling down about myself and I didnt like my reactions to our arguments. I was thinking suicide and at one point, I jsut thought "I don't want to be this perpetually sad, sick girl anymore." So I told mom what I was feeling and asked for help. I voluntarily signed myself in for a mental evaluation. I slept alot the first day, felt lonely and homesick the second day, and got to go home on the third day. mom had rearranged my room and I loved it. She was great the whole time, visiting me in the hospital and taking me shopping when I got out. Dad brought me a plush Snoopy. It was one of the best things Ive ever done for myself. I felt so free to be able to say 'I'm depressed" and even more free to decide that I wanted to change. no regrets. I'm a better me now, my moods are not dependent on how That Guy talks to me. I will go into more detail later. I am hopeful that I can get back to writing the way I like writing, which is pretty ok. That Guy is plating Grand Theft Auto IV on his PS3. I'm sleepy and looking for to but nervous about my two dance classes this summer. This place is so much better to be than that dark place I spent a year in.

10:36 pm: I keep bleeding love...
There are times when I don't write and those are the times when I really can't face reality, the reality of me not liking myself. But here I am with words because I can look at myself in the mirror these days. I feel the return happening again. And this time, I'm ready for it. Its going to be great.

09:23 pm: What did you possibly expect under this condition?
I miss him. He is pulling away and I have to let him go.
I dread the thought of living alone, of having to face my lonliness every time I walk through the door, every time I go home to an empty apartment. But since I am dreading it so much is why I have decided to face it head on and live alone for a few months, at least.
I want someone to come home to. Someone to crawl into bed with, someone to kiss goodnight, and to wake up next to. Someone to cook dinner with, someone to trust, someone to miss, someone to be my companion and partner. Please give me another chance. I want to be a better person, better than the selfish girl who made the biggest mistake of her life. I want to forgive myself and be good enough for the good people who love and care about me. I want to not be jealous or petty or mean or selfish. I have glimpsed what I am looking for and I threw it away but I know it exists, somewhere out there...

02:43 am: I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of wishing. I'm tired of me.

11:15 pm: Hope? Despair?
My heart started hurting again, and I was crying myself to sleep. It was pathetic. I got up and took a swig of vodka. That's even more pathetic. I'm pathetic. The vodka scared me. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I think I need to see a doctor, a real doctor and get some real help. I'm tired or crying myself to sleep at nite, I'm tired of being so sad and hopeless. Nobody wants me but nobody will want me if I'm like this. I will continue to be left if I stay this pathetic girl that I am now. I am so lonely and I feel alone. I miss him so much. I wish I could rip my heart out and hide it so that I can never hurt again. Futile stupid trite wish. The vodka is sitting strangely in my stomach. I should sleep but that's all i want to do lately. I am pathetic.

09:54 pm: Jesus Christ, I'm alone again...
If there was something I could do to ensure that nobody would ever have to feel the pain of lonliness ever again, I would. I would do it. And nobody would ever have to know it was me. If it hurts all of us the same, why are we all alone and lonely?

10:31 pm: All that I missed I see in the reflection, passed me while I wasn't paying attention...
I realized two things today. The first was that even tho Guy #2 is in my life as whatever he is, pseudo-boyfriend or Fuck Buddy extraordinaire, this is the first time in six years that I am single for Christmas. I've been walking around feeling down and I had no idea why and I was wondering why I couldn't get into the Christmas spirit and I wish to God that I was better than what I am now but the Christmas lights aren't making me smile this year.
The other thing I realized was that I put him through hell for six months and I've been in payback hell for eight months this month so I am so completely and utterly free!!! I can let go. I should let go.
Can I be jsut friends with him? Can I really let go? Am I too paranoid? Why does my heart feel like its broken? Why do I feel so sad?
I want to be a whole person...again...

09:22 pm: Don't let me live a lie before my life flies by...
I'm lonely. I need and want to laugh. I feel sad.

10:24 pm: Jesus Christ, I'm alone again...
I am so stupid. I didn't want to leave Him because I didnt' want to hurt him but he didn't do the same for me. I wanted this other guy but I wouldnt consider leaving my boyfriend for him because I didnt want to hurt him, but he left me for someone else...I really messed up...I tried to stick itout because I thought it was supposed to...so I guess the lesson learned here is not to put other people's happiness in front of your own...I ignored my gut and my heart and am here in this lonely place...but something is telling me that its not completely hopeless...something in my gut is fighting against my what ifs...

12:12 pm: My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic...
Looking back on this past year, my friends have changed more than I have. One friend bought a house, one friend got engaged and one friend had a baby. I dont want to seem selfish but these are all things that I want and these friends are all my age. I can't stop the "What about me?" thoughts that flash in my head as they talk about what furniture they need for their new house, or how the wedding is all falling apart or how the baby kept her up until 2 in the am....I would gladly get married in a potato sack or lose sleep for my daughter. And I want to create a home so badly I can taste it and see it when I close my eyes...I am happy for them, I truly am but I can't help feeling like I messed up somewhere in the past and am now behind the mark...am i missing out on that stuff, will i ever get it? Will he ever want to marry me and have kids and create a home with me? I'm not saying it necessarily has to be him but will any man want that with me or am i one of those women that men dont want to marry? Maybe I'm trying to hard? Maybe I'm being impatient? Maybe I'll be alone forever? But I'm not alone right now. I want a time machine for Christmas...would I do everything the exact same?